John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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