i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
