I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
