Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
