I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
