I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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