you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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