for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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