I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
