Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
