when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My penis needs a shock collar
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
