I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
