The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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