Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
