Swine flu. Run for my life!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
