Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
