I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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