I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My first STD was from a foam party
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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