he shaved USA in his pubs
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
