it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
