Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
