Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
