she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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