I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
