he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
