the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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