i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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