found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
