Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
