Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
