I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
