sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
