Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
