nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
