I'm so fucking centered right now
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!