woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
