Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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