HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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