He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
