i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
