I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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