I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
