I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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