Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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