wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
