I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
