My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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