That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
