went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
