....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
