JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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