why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
false alarm, still single
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
