I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
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I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
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Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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