I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
