I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
