Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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