Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
