nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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