just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
